~To create danger, defend yourself  

 

Defense will occur as an offense to the person you are defending yourself from, stimulating them to defend themselves more, which will occur as an offense to you, where you will try to defend yourself more. We're all familiar with this road.

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Defending yourself creates danger to your relationship and makes it less likely that you will get what you want. Instead of defense, try curiosity. Become curious about their upset or action. See if you can make them feel listened to and understood.

 

This doesn't mean you have to say "yes" to what they want. This doesn't mean that you don't maintain good boundaries with them. This doesn't even mean you agree with them. It just means being curious (and maybe even compassionate) about how you and their circumstances are occurring for them.

 

Almost always, this is the safest approach. Defense is the more dangerous approach. Or, as Byron Katie said, “Defense is the first act of war.”

Defensiveness: It Takes Two To Fight

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Oh, listen up, I'll tell you what's true,

There's a dangerous road that you must not pursue!

When somebody's upset with you, sharp and irate,

Your instinct is to defend, but wait, friend, just wait!

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For defense feels like offense to the one you oppose,

It stings like an insult clear down to their toes.

So they defend even harder, getting back at your slap,

And you give them your comeback. What a circular trap!

Back and forth, forth and back, round and round you two spin,

Both of you suffering, worn thin as a pin.

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For defense breeds more cost, it denies any prize,

Choose courage to be curious, it'll open your eyes.

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This defending, my friend, is a dangerous game,

It damages closeness and fans up the flames.

It won't get you what you are wanting at all,

It just widens the distance and heightens your fall.

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If you'll see that their words mean naught about you,

Not good, and not bad, whatever they do,

Then it's easy to see you've nothing to defend,

No fortress is needed, there's no war to attend.

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So here's the better way, here's what to do:

Get curious, curious, all the way through!

Wonder about their upset and their reasons why,

Try to understand it more deeply, not simply comply.

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For defense breeds more cost, it denies any prize,

Choose courage to be curious, it'll open your eyes.

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The meaning of what you say, hear this well,

Is the answer you get, not the story you tell!

If the outcome falls short of the one you desired,

Don't blame them, don't fault them, don't say you've tried.

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Look first at yourself, at what you can do,

At the words and the tone and the timing, too.

For the source of your outcomes is never out there,

It's the choices you're making, the way that you care.

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Now curious doesn't mean saying "yes" to their claim,

It doesn't mean boundaries dissolve in the flames.

It doesn't mean you must agree with their view,

It just means you are wondering, open and true.

Make them feel heard, maybe even understood,

That's safest and surest, right up there with sainthood.

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For defense breeds more cost, it denies any prize,

Choose courage to be curious, it'll open your eyes.

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For curiosity, nearly always, is safest of all,

While defense is the danger, oh heed this call!

As wise Byron Katie once said with plain heart,

"Defense is the first act of war," you're the start.

So next time defensiveness rises within,

Choose just to listen, then the war never begins.

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